..and How Are YOU Doing?

Why is it that when you reach that point in group meetings or interviews where they ask you introduce yourself and describe yourself that you get instantly nervous? It’s like – I know my name, I know about myself, why am I so nervous?

At the end of nearly every one of Regan’s appointments, the doctor will ask me, “and how are YOU doing?” No matter how many times I get asked, this question always throws me for a loop. It’s like I have to stop and think – how AM I doing?! There’s (understandably) so much focus on Regan’s health, well-being and happiness that I’m totally thrown when someone asks about me. We’ve met with countless social workers since we got Regan’s diagnosis who also ask the same thing. My initial reaction is always, “Good!”, but I inevitably get a look back from whomever is asking that basically says, “..how are you REALLY doing..?”

So for those who may have been wondering the same thing, the truth is some days my answer is still ‘good!’ and some days are hard. The reality is, we’re not much different than any other newborn parents, with just a few differences because of her heart condition. If there’s a silver lining to any of this, it’s that Regan is a great sleeper! It usually doesn’t take her much to rest and fall asleep, so we (and by “we”, I mean “me”) maximize her restful time by resting or sleeping ourselves. Have to admit – even with the extra rests, I think I speak for both me and Mitch when I say we’re exhausted. I only thought I knew what tired meant before I had Regan.

Inevitably, the lack of sleep makes us (again I really mean me) more emotional. The gravity of Regan’s heart condition hits me hard some days. Her feeding and medication is so highly sensitive and important that I find myself slightly on edge, anxious about the next meal, the next medicine dose, careful to do everything “right”, all while realizing that parenting is basically one huge guessing game.

I think I’ve cried at least three times since my mom got here (she arrived about 24 hours ago). We agreed that there’s this threshold you cross once you’re a mother where you’ll basically never sleep the same again. As someone who very much values her sleep, this thought is slightly daunting to me.

I have this distinct memory from when I was living in DC – I was on the phone with my mom as I was getting on the metro and she said “Just be careful. You’re out there getting on trains, meeting people out and walking around! Just please be careful.” Admittedly, I laughed it off at the time (and the memory of it does still give me a little chuckle), but I feel like I totally get it now. The thought of Regan ever being somewhere without me basically gives me heart palpitations (the irony there is not lost on me). But then I bring myself back to the reality that she is just a nearly 8 week old who needs all my snuggles and love right now.

In summary, I am doing well. I’m doing my best to maximize the fabulous help we have and making the most of Regan’s sleep schedule. Some days I feel like I might melt into the floor with exhaustion and some days I feel like a million bucks (relatively speaking, of course).

Regan had her cardiology appointment yesterday where the cardiologist told us she looks the best that she’s seen her since she came home from the hospital. She’s gaining weight like a champ, up to 9 lbs now! The doctors continue to adjust her medicines as needed to meet her symptoms and weight requirements. We are still tracking a mid-March surgery date.

If you’re reading this and you’re in our area and you’re wondering why the heck you haven’t had a chance to meet Regan, please know this: we cannot wait to introduce her to ALL of our loved ones. With her heart condition and until her surgery, it has been strongly advised to us to very much limit her exposure. There is this very sensitive window of time in which Regan needs her surgery and if she gets sick, they will have to postpone surgery. In the cases where they postpone surgery, the babies require at least two surgeries because of the postponement. I wish I could explain why, but my brain reached its capacity in understanding before the cardiologist explained the whole process.

Thank y’all for following us and sending your love remotely while we keep our girl growing, healthy and happy.