Second Guessing and Hidden Blessings

If there is another thing I have learned in my motherhood journey this week, it’s that motherhood is full of second guessing. It’s not so much that I doubt myself as much as I hope and pray constantly that I’m making the right decision(s) that are the best for Regan. In the beginning, I was pushing her to take as much as possibly by bottle before putting the rest of her feed in her tube. We were then advised NOT to push her too much, let her rest and get the calories she needed to grow before surgery. Then her medicines were constantly adjusting and we were closely monitoring those. If it wasn’t her feeds or her medicine, I feel sure there’s something next on my list I’d be worried about – it’s not different because of Regan’s special needs, it’s just a fact of motherhood.

So as you likely already know, we have just concluded our first week of tube free feedings. We are so happy to be moving forward with this effort after getting the blessing from our Cardiologist on Monday. What I wouldn’t have guessed ( <- ha, more guessing) is the amount of worry it would bring me. Regan has been dependent on a feeding tube for her whole life, and it’s obvious to me now that this change is not going to happen so quickly and maybe not even so smoothly. I find myself waiting for her to wake up (she’s an AMAZING sleeper) and working with her to make sure she gets the calories she needs. Our cardiologist is confident that Regan has a little wiggle room with her weight and of course she’s going to need to learn her own hunger cues at some point! What I’m quickly figuring out is that it’s a learning curve for me, too. What I have to continuously remind myself is that she is happy and healthy and continues to be monitored by her doctors.

It very much feels like I’m a new mom to a newborn. She is eating on demand and I’m wondering if I’m doing enough to get her the right amount of nourishment. Though I’ll tell you, if this sweet girl is not interested in the bottle, she will not take it. She is as strong in the mind as she is in body, not too different from her namesake 😊. For now, we’ll continue on this trek and continue to pray that she steadily increases her feed amounts to meet what she needs to grow.

As I mentioned above, Regan is a fabulous sleeper. Maybe a little TOO fabulous sometimes, and I look at her sometimes and think – “aren’t you hungry yet??” What I must remind myself is to see the blessing in this for myself. It’s wonderful to get a great night’s sleep and helps me to stay focused with her throughout the day. I’ve found that there are a lot of these little blessings that I need to appreciate. When Mitch and I were in Philadelphia after Regan’s heart surgery, we tried to make the most of our time together. It was the first time since Regan was born that we had a chance to spend a significant amount of time talking and honestly catching up with each other. Mitch said something that I think is so true. He said, “it’s like God gave us this gift for reaching this point with Regan.” It made me realize I have to look for the blessings that we’re given along the way to be sure and appreciate them. I think those blessings are always there, but we don’t always have the perspective to see it.

When we were sent home with her NG (feeding) tube, I really struggled with it. I wanted to get rid of it as quickly as possible. In reality, it was such a blessing to us in a time when Regan was not able to get the nutrients she needed. I’m not sure I appreciated it enough while we had it; it allowed me a certain peace of mind while there were bigger worries and health concerns to be focused on. But hindsight is always 20/20, and now I know to look for the blessings we’re given at every phase of our journey with Regan. Right now, I’ll take my full night’s sleep and continue to pray she builds the strength and hunger to eat the way she needs.